


i can’t sleep until i feel your touch

by sunshineforthesoul



Series: blinded by the lights [3]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Hockey, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Getting Back Together, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:35:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24917674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshineforthesoul/pseuds/sunshineforthesoul
Summary: “I think,” Adam says slowly, “we made a mistake.”
Relationships: Adam "Holster" Birkholtz/Justin "Ransom" Oluransi
Series: blinded by the lights [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1803190
Comments: 22
Kudos: 113





	i can’t sleep until i feel your touch

**Author's Note:**

  * For [YourPalYourBuddy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/YourPalYourBuddy/gifts).



> dedicated to syd for being such a fantastic holsom writer that holsom as a romantic ship was even really put on my radar in the first place, and for being an incredibly fun person to talk to and encouraging me to write this. i’ve never written holsom besides minor background allusions so i really hope i did them justice.
> 
>  **warnings** for alcohol/drinking mention, mild vomiting, and ransom suffers from extreme nightmares brought on by stress/anxiety
> 
> title from and story inspired by “blinding lights” by the weeknd
> 
> check, please! and its characters belong to ngozi

Alone in the dead of the night, at sometime after three in the morning, Justin wakes up, gasping and sweaty. His sheets are twisted around his legs and torso, constricting him.

He sucks in large gulps of air, feeling nothing but the heavy pounding of his heart. He closes his eyes and pulls at the sheets wrapped tightly around his body, doing his best to even out his breaths and bring his elevated heart rate back down. 

Ever since he was a child he’s suffered extreme nightmares, but they get worse when he’s anxious or stressed.

He thinks about how months ago, Adam would be there to hold him, to whisper calming words in his ear and rub gentle circles into his back until the terror subsided enough for him to drift back asleep. 

He remembers he’s not supposed to want that anymore. 

The bed feels like an ocean without Adam. They’d had to get one this big for them to both fit comfortably.

Now, Justin detests the amount of cold, vacant space on the other side of the bed. 

A thud comes from downstairs and Justin freezes, heart rate spiking again. He listens intently for a minute, and is ready to attribute it to his refrigerator when he hears another thud followed by someone swearing in a hushed voice, like they think they’re being quiet but have no idea how loud they actually are.

The very real possibility that a murderer or a thief has broken in occurs to Justin, but they can’t be very good at either if they’re making that much noise. 

He slides out of bed, the wood floor cool beneath his feet, and cautiously makes his way down the stairs. When he reaches the bottom, he peeks around the corner.

A tall, looming figure stumbles around in the dark, clearly with the knowledge of where the furniture is but being unable to avoid it and it hits him — _I never made him return his key._

When Justin speaks, his voice croaks. “Adam?”

  


__

* * *

  


One of the weirdest things about their breakup is that Adam moved out of their apartment, but he didn’t end up that far. Even though it sorta felt like the end of the world, he didn’t even move to the other side of the city. 

Not that it would matter.

He knows the city like the back of his hand and it wouldn’t matter if he moved out of the city or out of the state or across the whole goddamn world because no matter where he went, it would feel the same.

 _He_ would feel the same. 

Without Justin — without the anchor that keeps his feet firmly planted to the Earth — Adam could be in the heart of a busy city or the outskirts of a sleepy small town and it would be just as cold, just as empty, and he’d wander around just as lost, looking for his way back home.

Adam steps out of the bar, the chilly air enough to send goosebumps up his arms. His head swims, his thoughts fuzzy around the edges. The neon lights poke at his retinas, too bright for him to look at without seeing little starbursts behind his eyelids when he closes his eyes. He dials Justin’s phone because he doesn’t know what the hell to do anymore.

Justin doesn’t answer, but Adam doesn’t expect him to. 

He never does.

When the quiet sets in, Adam feels the full intensity of being alone, and he wants. God, he wants. 

He wonders if he’s allowed to miss him like this. 

Adam starts his walk back to his place, but the night is not comforting and he finds it easier to switch off his thoughts than to allow the stillness to echo them back to him. When he finally reaches the building, it takes him a second to realize that it’s not the right one, yet he knows it well enough to have gotten here on autopilot.

He squints in the darkness and it hits him like he’s run smack into a brick wall.

This is not good. He should not be here. He should be anywhere _but_ here.

Some part of his brain begs him to turn around, to get the fuck out of here before he makes things a million times worse, but it’s drowned out by the desire and desperation consuming him.

Had he not gotten drunk, he might’ve been able to ignore the burning in his chest and talk himself out of this, but he’s already passed the point of no return, why not push it a little further.

He pulls his keys out of his pocket, and picks out the one to Justin’s apartment. It’s easy to find amongst the rest, because Justin had stuck a small red maple leaf sticker to the top of it, and Adam put a Niagara Falls sticker on the other side. 

It’s not until he’s made it through the lobby and down the hall and is standing in the middle of Justin’s apartment that he catches himself. 

_What the fuck am I doing?_

He needs to get the hell out of here and _fast._ What was he thinking? Out of all the shitty, stupid ideas he could’ve acted on, it had to be this one and oh God he just bumped into the table in the living room and shit there’s the couch and—

His stomach plummets when he hears Justin’s voice, raspy from sleep. “Adam?” 

Adam freezes. 

A light flicks on and Justin’s standing at the bottom of the stairs, face wrinkled in concern.

“What are you doing here?” he asks. 

It’s a _great_ question, and one that Adam has asked himself about ten thousand times in the last couple of minutes. 

He stares at Justin, mouth hanging open slightly. The weight of his actions unloads on him all at once.

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” is what comes out.

Justin reacts in an instant, tugging Adam towards the bathroom. Adam drops to the floor and vomits in the toilet. 

“Stay here,” Justin commands. “I’m gonna get you a glass of water.” 

Adam nods, or tries to nod as best he can with half his head in the toilet bowl. He can’t believe he drank enough to make himself this sick. It had to have been, in part, due to seeing Justin’s face again, which Adam had no idea what effect it would have on him. 

_This, apparently,_ the voice inside his head says wryly. 

“Jesus, Adam,” Justin says, upon returning. He sets the glass on the sink. “Were you drinking? I haven’t seen you like this since college.” 

Adam retches again. Justin crouches down and rubs his back. If he notices Adam’s hands shaking, he doesn’t say anything. 

After a few minutes, Adam resurfaces and leans back against the wall, tucking his knees in towards his body. Justin reaches up and grabs the glass of water, offering it to him. Adam takes it and downs the whole thing. 

He tips his head back until it hits the wall. “I’m sorry,” he mutters, eyes closed. The bathroom lights are making his head hurt.

“Why are you here, Adam?” Justin asks again, softly.

“Missed you.” He’s not sure if his mumble is even intelligible, and he can’t bear to open his eyes to see Justin’s expression right now.

They’re both quiet for a while, and at some point Adam hears Justin get up. He opens his eyes to find that Justin’s gone. He scrapes himself off the bathroom floor and turns off the light. 

If it were up to him, he’d sneak out quietly and send Justin a text apologizing and requesting that they just forget all about this, but it turns out that’s not what the universe wants, because Justin catches him at the front door.

“Where are you going?” 

Adam flinches. He looks over his shoulder. “I was, uh, getting out of your hair.”

Justin shakes his head. “You’re not leaving like this.” He grips the refilled glass tighter. “You can sleep on the couch.”

“Justin—”

“I’m not gonna argue about this with you. Lay down.”

Adam surrenders, collapsing on the couch. 

Justin places two aspirin in his hand and watches to make sure he finishes his water. He crosses the room and grabs the quilt folded over the back of the armchair. The dim lamp light illuminates the exhaustion on his face. Guilt overtakes Adam and he feels like absolute shit, and not because of the alcohol. 

“Justin I—”

“Shh, Holtzy,” Justin cuts him off, unfolding the quilt as he walks back to the couch. “It’s okay. We can talk later. Just rest.” He settles the quilt over him and it’s the nice, heavy one that Justin’s grandma made. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

He exits the living room, turning off the lamp as he goes.

Now that he’s lying down, Adam becomes extremely aware of the fatigue soaking into his muscles and bones. The quiet chugging of the refrigerator and the ticking from the clock on the mantle provide him with a lullaby as he finally descends into sleep.

  


__

* * *

  


Sunlight stabs through the blinds, pricking at Adam’s eyelids and aggravating his headache. 

He rouses with a groan, opening his eyes little by little. He frowns. This isn’t his apartment. His brain is still foggy, in the process of piecing together what happened the night before. 

The smell of strong coffee drifts into the room and he hears someone rummaging about the kitchen. 

When he sits up, the quilt slides down and the pieces fall into place. He vaguely remembers letting himself in and throwing up in the bathroom and Justin tucking him in. Mortification and regret brew in his chest, and he briefly contemplates how shitty it would be of him to try to sneak out again.

He won’t, though. He made this mess; it’s his responsibility to fix it. Swallowing his emotions, he steps through the threshold into the kitchen.

Justin’s searching for something in the fridge. Two mugs sit on the counter, steam rising from them and uncurling into the air.

Like a radio station tuned into him, Justin knows he’s there before he sees him. 

“Do you want eggs?” Justin says and Adam jumps. 

“Uhh...” 

“I’m making eggs. The asking was more of a formality.” 

Justin pulls the egg carton out of the fridge, along with the milk. He turns to Adam, and Adam has always thought Justin is softer in the mornings, when the last whisper of sleep still lingers, blurring the lines of him. 

Adam’s heart aches.

Justin sets the milk next to the mugs and the eggs by the stove, and crouches to pull a pan out of the cabinet. 

“You can sit at the table,” he says. “Take whichever cup you want, I haven’t added anything to either yet. And, well… you know where the sugar is if you want it.”

Adam’s body moves, but his mind stays two steps behind. Out of habit, he adds a little bit of milk to both but only puts sugar in the moose head mug for himself. He stirs Justin’s coffee first, and as he’s stirring his own, he glances sideways at Justin.

Justin’s concentrated on cooking, being careful not to break the yolk because Adam likes fried eggs with the yolk a little runny.

Adam takes his coffee and sits down, feeling like he’s wandered into a dream. This morning is not unlike ones they’ve had before, with a vastly different context.

After a small eternity, Justin joins him at the table. 

It takes everything in him not to scream, because when he looks at Justin all he can do is remember what it feels like to be close to him, to have Justin’s hands and mouth on him. And Justin just sits there, chewing his toast like it’s a regular Saturday morning.

Adam squeezes his fork much tighter than necessary. He’s waiting for the moment to shatter.

He’s waiting for Justin to tell him to get out and never come back. 

He’s waiting for Justin to do the right thing and put him out his misery once and for all.

Justin takes a sip of his coffee and peers out at Adam over the rim of the mug. Adam holds his breath, thinking this is it, but Justin doesn’t say anything. He lowers the mug with a deliberate slowness, and the morning sun makes the dark circles under his eyes more prominent. 

Adam takes the leap. “Did I wake you up last night?”

Justin presses his lips together. “... No.” 

Adam’s brow furrows. “Why were you—” His expression slackens. “Oh. You were—”

“Yeah.”

“You haven’t been sleeping.”

Justin shrugs, eating the last bite of his egg. He stands. “Are you done eating?”

Adam looks down at his plate and nods. Justin gathers their dirty dishes and puts them in the sink, before returning to his spot across the table. 

He looks hard at Adam for a moment, then says, “We should talk.” 

Adam swallows. “Okay.”

Justin’s gaze slides over a few inches so he’s looking past Adam instead of directly at him. “Do you remember what happened last night?”

Heat rises in Adam’s face. “Yeah.”

Justin’s eyebrows knit together and he seems to be unsure of where to go next.

“I think,” Adam says slowly, “we made a mistake.”

Justin’s shoulders tense. “What?”

“I mean, I don’t think it was a total accident that I ended up here,” Adam scoffs. 

“Then what would you call it?” Justin says, voice rising. “You leave for _months_ and then all of a sudden you’re standing in my fucking living room at three in the goddamn morning?”

“Well what the fuck was I supposed to do, Justin?” Adam shouts back. “All my calls have gone straight to voicemail!” 

Justin’s face contorts. “So your solution was to break into my apartment in the middle of the night?” 

“I’m not proud of it,” Adam snaps. “Do you think I _want_ to miss you this much?”

Justin stills. His eyes are locked onto Adam’s face, and in them Adam sees his own pain and longing reflected back at him.

Adam draws in a shaky breath. “I miss you _so_ much, man. Like, everywhere I go, I’m looking for you. It’s so—” His voice breaks. “It’s so fucking _hard._ I thought losing you would be the worst thing I had to live through, but it wasn’t. It was missing you.”

Justin leans back in his chair and releases a prolonged breath. He turns his head to the side and clenches his hands into fists, something he does to keep them from shaking. 

Neither of them say anything for a long time. The clock in the living room ticks unbearably loudly, punctuating every second of the suffocating silence.

“I wasn’t ready,” Justin eventually says, his soft tone splintering Adam’s heart.

“Huh?”

“I wasn’t ready to hear your voice again.” Justin sighs. “I wanted to pick up the phone so badly, but I knew that if I did, it’d be over. I’d be back at square one. And I— I realized last night…” He laughs weakly, shaking his head. “I was never gonna be ready. There was nothing I could’ve done that would’ve prepared me to hear your voice, to see your face again.”

Adam sniffles. “You called me Holtzy.” 

Justin flinches like he’s been slapped. “What?”

“Last night. Before you went back upstairs.” 

“You… you heard that?”

“I always hear you Rans.”

Justin’s breath catches in his throat. He rubs the back of his neck. “We fucked up pretty bad, huh.”

Adam’s intestines twist. “What do you mean?”

The hint of a smile flickers across Justin’s lips. “I can’t live without you, Adam.” 

And with those six words, Justin finally, mercifully puts Adam out of his misery.

Adam feels like everything inside him shuts down, like his heart stops pumping blood through his body and his lungs cease to work. The tidal wave of worry and anguish and aching crashes and reaches the shore as a gentle push against the sand. 

He rises from his seat and Justin does the same and they meet in the middle. Justin reaches up at the same time Adam leans down, and when their lips touch Adam is brought back to life. 

He doesn’t realize how hard he’s kissing Justin until he has him pressed against the kitchen counter. 

Justin pulls back and says, breathlessly, “Fuck, you really did miss me, Holtzy.”

“I thought I was gonna die.”

Justin kisses Adam’s neck, pleased when it makes him shiver. “That’s a little dramatic, I think.”

Adam shakes his head. “No,” he says. “You are all my thoughts.”

Justin cups Adam’s face, thumbs ghosting over his cheekbones. “I have not stopped thinking about you since you left.”

Adam really starts crying then, tears dripping down the sides of his face. 

“Hey,” Justin says. “Are you okay?”

Adam nods, wiping away his tears. “I’m just. I didn’t know if I’d ever get to do this again.”

Justin trails his hands down Adam’s neck, nestling them at the base where his neck curves into his shoulder. Adam tilts his head forward so his forehead presses gently against Justin’s. He places his hands on Justin’s waist, just under the edge of his shirt. Warmth seeps from Justin’s skin into his hands.

“You know,” Adam says, so close his breath fans out over Justin’s cheeks. “It’s kind of a good thing you never answered.”

“Why’s that?”

“‘Cause I could never say what I needed to say over the phone.” Adam slides his hands up Justin’s back. “Honestly, I don’t think I could even put into words how much I love you.” 

“Then it’s a _very_ good thing,” Justin whispers in Adam’s ear, causing the hair on the back of his neck to stand, “that you can show me.”

  


__

* * *

  


After, they lie together, Justin curled up against Adam’s chest, Adam’s arm wrapped around Justin’s shoulder as he traces abstract shapes into his shoulder blade. 

“What does it say about us, that the first thing we do after making up is get in bed together?” Justin says. 

“That my dick is so bomb you couldn’t wait to get it again.”

Justin pushes Adam’s chest. “Shut up.”

“I bet you wanted to jump me in the kitchen,” Adam teases.

Justin rolls his eyes and starts to sit up. A noise of dissent escapes the back of Adam’s throat.

“Relax dude,” Justin says, untangling himself from Adam’s octopus arms. “I just need to pee.”

“I don’t think you’re allowed to call me dude right after we have sex.”

“Whatever dude.” Justin peels himself out of bed and disappears into the bathroom. 

Adam sinks back into the pillows, letting his eyes flutter shut. After a few minutes, he feels the blankets lift and the mattress dip, and Justin slides under the covers, settling his head back on Adam’s chest. 

“You’re warm,” he murmurs. His thumb brushes over Adam’s side, coming to rest in the hollow of his hip. He grins when Adam shudders.

“That tickles,” Adam says. 

“I know.”

Justin’s eyelids begin to droop as he listens to Adam’s heart beat and his head rises and falls with each breath. 

“I sleep better when I’m with you,” he says, which means _I love you._

“Me too,” Adam replies, which means _I love you too._

“Do you have anywhere to be today?”

“No.” 

“Then let’s just stay here.” 

Adam smiles even though Justin can’t see his face. “Okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> i want to write at least one more story that takes place in this universe? this timeline? but it might take me a while because i get sidetracked so easily and i’ve got a million and one wips
> 
> (edit: 06/29: i had to change night terrors to nightmares because i was reading about night terrors and generally people don’t wake up during them)
> 
> comments/kudos/bookmarks are always appreciated! :)
> 
> come say hi to me on tumblr! [@omgdexnursey](https://omgdexnursey.tumblr.com/)


End file.
